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{November 6, 2008}   Chapter seven Forget Yu JiangHu (1)

Chapter seven Forget Yu JiangHu (1)
If I can’t live with you, then this is understood, but because understand. Because a others’ one, one’s own true agony at the same time, because of being true painful.
I understand you, just as understand myself, the more as soon as I leave oneself far, I slip into oneself deeply. Sometimes I feel alive except one’s own body, so, I am by you whenever and wherever possible. Use Thai Gore’s a word, hope I will not cause and bear your love, because I choose, love you, want love by unrestrained since. While striking and making this sentence, heart is painful but enjoyable truly.
No longer calling me tall and erectly, I begin to be swayed by considerations of gain or loss. Time blood in the heart, I know everything soon so bad-tempered to but stop.
Can’t fall asleep, do and stare flankly opening eyes. Having put out all lights, open all windows, the sound in the dark wind pleasant to the ear. Like the skirt in sleeping rosily in fresh and cool breath in the wind to stroll about, illusion is turned into a dark rose at night, wait, until the petal one withers. Perhaps only the rose, will sting so as to ache in life. If can’t be beautiful forever, would rather remind that once staying and staying by way of ath pain. I do not give the telephone, just wait, such a relation is originally full of inequality, I’m afraid to bring the trouble to his life.
Every day, have a bath with the cold water, the ice-cold liquid lets me receive transient happiness in the shower nozzle, appear in the brain out the thing in pile, like the flowing water, the flood peak is closed, thinking is bad-tempered too but stopped. Memory degradates terribly, perhaps it is a good thing, just sometimes, when you think about very much what get up, the head will ache.
Tall and erect used to say to me, wanted to go to bed earlier, went to look for him in the dream, but, I who am present, often see the sky turning white slowly, in this way, one day passed by again, do not have his voice. I can what does it speak, everything much less, what I think print in his brain, he will not understand, will understand. Such and such feeling, nobody already can understand. Feel lonely when not meeting, meet, more lonely, so lonely as to go mad.
I begin to be used to remembering, recall all beautiful things, they let me feel happy. A butterfly flies over in front of the window, perhaps it is only the illusion, the butterfly is a life that I like, beautiful, fragile, transient. I like fragile and transient thing beautiful of everything, there are fireworks, perhaps there is love. Remember once doing a psychological test tall and erectly for me, elect one as trade mark from several animals, I have given up butterflies, chose an orangutan at that time, just unwilling to let him see my fragile nerve, that will break out the string broken soon. About all code words of the butterfly, I see. Has chosen the butterfly tall and erectly, I know he will select, a only beautiful and affectionate man. One can be understood to every sound of men of sigh of my. Say tall and erectly, I am that rib that he lost, will ache indistinctly. And I, have already ached and not feel, forgot to ache in even scar. Want to leave a deep seal on his arm very much, wipe that kind not going forever, it can not be ruthless that after all the lower heart will come. The deepest seal stays in heart forever. Say tall and erectly, I carve on his heart with the diary of handle of a knife. My heart is paining gently while saying this words. Did not once think the heart would ached again yet. There is a kind of tacit understanding, became eternity after meeting, or rob forever.
I begin not to speak very much every day, do not phone very much either, except write, see discs, still wait. As soon as the telephone rings each time, the neural texture goes straight over, and all disappointed each time.
Bei Bei is said, the ice is blue, let’s come back quickly, you will be mentally deranged to go down like this.
I, still insisting on, I hear him say to me, the ice is blue, don’t wait in person, otherwise, not to two years yet. Have promised, I will wait.
Xiao Cheng calls. The ice is blue, I have made the stewed sparerib of potato, come to eat quickly.
Xiao Cheng’s sound is young and happy forever, this happy and clean child.
In Xiao Cheng’s attic, I am gluttonous and lazy that one forever. Xiao Cheng always supervises me lots and lots of times, washes hands. Except that hands are also washed by oneself, my inert full play has reached limit, if is all right, itching hands have all been taken away and washed by Xiao Cheng.
I like that attic, warm and comfortable, can see night sky from the skylight, there are stars once in a while.
Sometimes I will see Xiao Cheng painting silently. Sometimes sit on the soft mat in the corner of the wall staring flankly. Like all foot to stroll about in Xiao Cheng’s room, thick wool carpet, the mere foot is stepped on softly, there is not a silk sound, can frighten to one’s own shade, as if in whose heart is on foot.
I say, Xiao Cheng, I like your carpet, in whose heart to walk seem, soft.
Laughing at by desolate achievement, on these lazy kind of yours, who puts you in the heart, that heart will not all become rubbish heaps. I succeeded first to beat chasing desolately suddenly and violently, suddenly remembered the day staying with small soldier, once so happy too, so unrestrained.
The rain has arisen outside, have seen from skylight gone over, it seems to be eyes of the house, are shedding tears ceaselessly. I contract in corner, hear the ” fool quay ” constantly, let lonely to attack, first first. It is the tall and erect in day,I go often because it for Cheng Xiao, I make nothing, fears chilly all day, like waiting to pronounce, and in lonely time, there is miss of letting people suffocate.
Do not see clearly oneself is like already losing, is also like having forever to the tall and erect emotion. It has already been a century body to just turn one’s head.
They say, help each other when both are in humble circumstances, might as well forget Yu JiangHu.
On MSN, I question ceaselessly. And is talking packthread tall and erectly ceaselessly. He no longer says that loves me, no longer.
” the love story of Tokyo ” is put in DVD, Japanese TV play liked very much, it is fragrant to like jasmines, that piece dare child that love, that piece seem child that any other things lie in nothing mind, some for instance, Min Zhao ” rest on it slaughter dragon write “, like knowing what ‘s girl oneself wanting such, but Zhao Min is more fragrant than the jasmine and much luckier, it seems that such a girl is destined to meet the indecisive man that did not know how to refuse, or the play is unable to perform. I seem to understand, if does not want to lose him, only have oneself to break the wrist.


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