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{November 6, 2008}   Chapter six Flower (4) of pessimism

Chapter six Flower (4) of pessimism
While giving birth to the child, she insists on wanting the natural labor, the child is too big, more than 4 kilograms, she insists on, I am so tense as to collapse soon outside the delivery room.
I suddenly thought, left by oneself and will not near this person, left non- near again. There is too much memory which belongs to him, I am unable to replace a lot of things. Paining in the heart pestering, I am unable to reach the emotion which belong to them forever, how I am to hope to have a tall and erect child, belong to our child, it must be clever and beautiful. Know my fondness of the child tall and erectly, when the child that I am keeping watch on others’ home constantly turn round, he often pats my head, looking at me with smile, miss children again? Will have, babies.
Tall and erect to say I think may mistake people I, have small she that used to it regard as you likewise fault sometimes, so we among life no matter how how hard does it coordinate, step lack of half make. No, tall and erect, tall and erect, you have deceived me, have deceived oneself too. You, to her love, perhaps even you yourself have not seen. And I, just one which you can not find on her is compensated, my enthusiasm, mine dares to like daring to hate, some of mine is just the feeling and world outlook the same as you, let you get transient supplement. Perhaps you are only because no matter how much efforts are made, it is unable to change the other side, or unable to make the care that you want, disappointed, perhaps, even retaliate against, just have my appearances, will just have with wife’s talk without mincing words.
Tall and erect while reminding me of her, always use ” the wife ” This call, the slight place, let me get to the bottom of heart coldly, I even think whether he is reminding me. Yes, they are the husband and wife of the first marriage after all, I, who is it?
I watch tall and erect eyes, discover oneself think any emotion originally just silent. I know, I let to feel pressure tall and erectly. He is actually a person who lacks courage, shrink back, it is the only posture that can be adopted. I know, in fact have a decision tall and erectly.
We are a kind of person, even if the emotion is deeper, ice-cold too in eyes.
I am not rather tall and erect, only at his place, I will not be injured, even if he can’t give me any commitment, even if in fact, I have already been injured.
I look tall and erect, quietly, just as see him for the first time, at that time, he sat in the position of the corner of the bar, one are brought the Buddha man, now, just the same as before. Once, I had seen love in his eyes, even written in water, I had already satisfied. Tall and erect ears are very big, big earlobe, the representation that it is said it is a good fortune, he does not like others to touch his ears. I have many to want to say, but does not know how to say, I have much emotion to want to express, wonder how to express, I like tall and erect ears, but I do not dare to feel, I’m afraid to be refused, I do not give others a chance to refuse.
It is tall and erect for me to watch, feel he in go far from me gradually, want, catch he very much, and I can make, just comforting his face, his head. Suddenly went to turn over the head tall and erectly detesting, how many times are told you, don’t touch my head.
All was attacked hurt and wrongedly in mind in a flash, I have resumed the natural instinct of the hedgehog. In front of Zhuo, think I to can unload to lose suit of armour all over, but toppled over in a flash originally. I look tall and erect with ice-cold and unbending sight. Stupefied in such sight tall and erectly, he does not know, one’s own ice would do so bluely originally. Do not know my pain tall and erectly, for an unwarranted commitment, come to a strange city alone; Fear pain is but die-hard to want one child to belong to him; The proud person of air of such mark, hear his criticizing and accepting with a smile too; But tall and erect, you how each mention your wife with voice of tender feeling in front of me? Why do you want to let me see your hesitating? , do you really ignore my agony? No, tall and erect, you see, you are just doing it for me to see.
Give tall and erect leave, it rain, rainwater row the train windowpane, the world has cried for the paint face. I can’t cry, bear, bear, it is hurt and wronged to bear the tears into one kind. Say tall and erectly, do not like seeing me and shedding tears. It is just a usual difference, why giving up like this in the heart, like parting forever. Twitch in the heart, can not see future, do you love me? Do you really love me? Why I can feel vast and hazy, why? Why I can’t have a distinct answer, why do not I know what you are thinking on earth? Find, promise, so a meaningful thing originally, it will make you calm for the first time, let you see the clear one’s own direction. I think, I begin to excuse me in the small army.
Sit on the car, see the tall and erect car brushes past. Tear, until consciousness spring well up.


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